I'm not a particularly religious guy.
Why the hell am I writing this then? Well, it was either this or The True Wrestling
Story of Snitsky this week. Did I choose wisely?
Actually, if you think about it, wrestling and religion have several tie-ins. WWE even
booked God on one of its pay-per-views this year. And of course, He no-showed. Typical.
Yet, you have to have at least a little faith to have endured the insanity that's been around this business for so long. Someone, some thing, some Greater Power must be behind it all. But who?
With that, I give you The True Wrestling Story of Wrestling and Religion.
Chapter One: In The Beginning…
In the beginning, there was no earth or sky or sea or animals.
There were, however, hundreds of regional wrestling territories for some reason.
Some were "American", some "National", some "World Wide", yet all of them booked Andre The Giant on their tours, and
only had about 5,000 fans each.
And then God spoke in the darkness: "Let there be light! By which I mean buying
out all of thy competition, quite frankly."
On the second day, God created the Earth. He then sat back and admired His creation
and forced it to kiss his ass.
On the third day, He organized the Earth by placing all of the water in one place,
the dry land in another, and His syndicated television programs in yet another. He then made plants to cover the land, and
had his film crew record it all as an "extra" for an upcoming DVD release.
On the fourth day, God looked around and thought, "the daylight still needs a bit
more work and the night is just too dark." So, He added pyrotechnics, a giant video screen and, in TNA, some of them criss-crossing
laser beams. "This is coming along very well," said God.
On the fifth day? Merchandise, and plenty of it.
On the sixth day, God added creatures to the land. He made Snakes and Birdmen
and Gobbledygookers and Bulldogs (the British kind, that is, not the Canadian variety). But He still
felt something was missing. So God added Mankind to enjoy and take care of all that He had created. Also Dude Love
and Cactus Jack. God looked around and was happy with all He had made.
After six days, the whole universe was completed. On the seventh day God was supposed
to have a nice long rest and enjoy looking at all He had made. But then he said "I'm God, damnit!" (I am SO going to get
struck down by lightning for writing this column). "Quite frankly, I don't need any rest. Let's get things started…
right now! Well, after this commercial break, I mean. Tune into Earth Unlimited to see what you missed during the commercials."
Chapter Two: Noah's In Your Ark
God noticed man's evil behavior and had to do something about it. But because The
Spirit Squad hadn't been invented yet, he instead decided to flood the Earth.
"Tonight, on this every Earth, I will create a flood unlike any other, quite frankly,"
He bellowed.
"Dammit! Who the hell does he think he is?" screamed Jim Ross in protest.
"Quiet, JR, do you want to smite God?" answered Jerry "The King" Lawler.
God found a righteous man named Noah (which, FYI, is a great name for a kid)
and told him to build an Ark. He told Noah to gather two of every creature, although he'd allow single creatures to board
if they were 6"8 or larger. The Ark would travel the world and, for all intents and purposes, was the world's first house
show circuit.
It rained for 40 days and 40 nights. All of Earth's creatures were destroyed, save
for the infamous Four Horsemen of the Apocalyse (Ric "Nature Plague" Flair, Tully "Famine" Blanchard, Arn "Pestilence"
Anderson, Ole "Death" Anderson).
He directed the Ark to rest on the mountains of Stamford. It was there He created a
rainbow, which would be forever remembered as a symbol of tremendous ticket sales for the tour, particularly overseas.
Which, at the time, was pretty much everywhere, what with the Earth all being
one being mass of water. Because of the flood, you see, and… never mind. Next chapter!
Chapter Three: The Book of Hulkamania
When God wanted to create perfection, brother, He created Hulk Hogan.
The people asked "Hulkster" to lead them to the promised land, and he did, with his
44 inch pythons, 6"10 frame and ability to bodyslam the 5,500 pound Andre The Giant in front of 93 millions fans.
And Hulk Hogan stood up next to the mountain, chopping it down with the edge of his
hand.
Then he climbed that mountain, brother, and swam across the ocean, before he rode the
great white shark, brother, and then grabbed a tooth from the Bengal tiger, brother. And WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN THE
LARGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD RUN WILD ON YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU? BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!
(The preceding message was paid for The Church of Latter Day Hulkamania.)
Chapter Four: The Book of Looooooooooove
(Cue the Brother Love theme music. You know which music I'm talking about.
If you don't, you're probably too young to appreciate this next chapter.)
Brother Love: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… looooooooooooooooooove yewwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I would liiiiiiiike to wel-come my special guest this week, a man who calls himself Brother Jesus.
Jesus: Actually, it's just Jesus.
Brother Love: Brother Jesus, whyyyyyyyy is it that you have no looooooooove in your
heart?
Jesus: Dude, have you not been paying attention to everything I've been doing? Hello?
Brother Love: Welllllllll, Brother Jesus. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii think you need to learn
all about looooooooooooooooooooove.
Jesus: Perhaps you're just confusing me with Carlito's old bodyguard…
Brother Love: And Brother Jesus, what are you doing here gathered at this Last Supper?
Jesus: Wait - what do you mean, "Last" Supper? I'm supposed to have Jazz and
Rodney Mack over for dinner next Tuesday.
Brother Love: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… Loooooooooooooooove yewwwwwwwwwwww.
Jesus: Oh, cram it, lobster-face.
Chapter Five: The Book of Bischoff
Eric Bischoff was a petty little man from Minneapolis Hell who turned
many of God's people against Him by winning the ratings war 83 weeks in a row acting all non-religious and crap.
Because He is a fair God, He allowed Bischoff to make the following statement in his
defense:
"Well, I wou…"
It figures he'd try to pull something like that. Jerk.
Chapter Six: The Book of Austin
Austin 3:16, according to the Really New Testament, says "I just whoopped your
ass."
Yeah, that's all I got here. Sorry.
Chapter Seven: Kane and Taker
This is a story of two brothers named Kane and Taker. Both were equally
talented, one had just been around longer than the other… er, I mean, was older.
Anyhoo… God favored one brother by having him take four or five months off a
year and return in time to squash His foes. The other brother worked full-time, was stuck in one embarrassing angle after
another, and when he was finally rewarded with his own film, it was in the time-tested genre of eye-pulling.
You guess which brother is which.
Kane, growing angry at his brother's success, and something about everyone knowing
something on May 19th, burned his parents house down. Or maybe that was Taker. Or Paul Bearer. Or Katie
Vick. Or Vince Russo. I really don't remember.
I did a lot of hard drugs in the late-90's.
Finally, God saw through Kane's deception and forced him to wander the earth, probably
pulling people's eyes out along his journey. God placed a mark on him in which an impostor from his past life would haunt
him forever. Because Kane wasn't cursed enough to begin with.
Chapter Eight: The Book of DiBiase
The Book of DiBiase states that "Everyone Shalt Have A Price For Thy Million Dollar
Man. Dahahahahahahahahahaha!"
Yeah, that's all I got for this one, too.
Look -- you want quality or you want quantity? That doctored photograph (I mean, uh…
legitimate photograph) took me six hours to complete.
Anyways, I couldn't spend time writing this chapter because I was busy reading this book.
Chapter Nine: Birth of The Wrestling God
Right around Christmastime, The Blessed Virgin Mary (or maybe just Mrs. Layfield)
gave birth to The Wrestling (dramatic pause) God.
He became a true (dramatic pause) American Hero, even though it would have made a bit
more sense to have born in Jerusalem or some shit. He was a role model and a true success story to millions. The Mexicans,
not so much.
In conclusion, I'd just like to say "J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L!
J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L!"
J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L!
J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L!
J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L!
J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L!
J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L! J-B-L!
There. Better.
Chapter Ten: McMahonism
So how does the Bible end, anyways? As I said at the outset, I'm not a particularly
religious guy. So I guess I'm going to have to make something up. I'm pretty good at making stuff up.
In the end, God was not happy.
Sure, His family was growing, He was making lots of money, business was… well,
His company was still in business. Yet something was amiss.
He began spending vast sums of money on women who could not wrestle (or act, apparently).
He fired talented workers and replaced them with overstuffed no-talents (™The Fake Jim Cornette) with little
rhyme or reason. And whenever His people stopped watching His product, He brought back nostalgia acts (ECW, DX, The Bubonic
Plague). And He kept pushing his son -- wait for it -- Jeez O' Mac, in a misguided attempt to save the show.
So God created Armageddon, which is the final pay-per-view of the year. Also,
the end of the Earth. I mean, that's got to be where He's going with this angle, right?
RIGHT???
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
